Henry Corwin was a department store Santa & a constant wino. He was late from his Christmas Eve dinner break. Mr. Dundee, his department store boss, had enough of his antics & fired him. Upon leaving, Corwin wondered around in his Santa costume & stumbled across a mysterious sack. What did it contain? Could it be a way to be a better life?
“The Night of the Meek” aired on December 23, 1960 during the second season of The Twilight Zone. Art Carney (“The Honeymooners”) was a loveable lush as Corwin. John Fiedler (“The Bob Newhart Show”) was stern & steadfast as Dundee. This great teleplay was written by Rod Serling. The episode’s appointment viewing during Christmas. It’s available to stream on Hulu, Pluto TV & Paramount Plus.
Hello, I’m Simon. I enjoy danger, fast cars and the ladies. My motto is “Fear Is Not An Option.” However, my world changed when Helen Tasker was in a D.C. Chinese restaurant. Behind those librarian classes, I knew that there was more than meets the eye. She held an important suitcase that contained secrets or so I told her. Easy there, killer?
Who the hell are you? I’m Gibs but it doesn’t matter. You’ve messed with the wrong housewife. He’ll take Corvette but that’s the least of your worries.
Would Simon live to Lie Another Day? Would Helen find who has a License to Kill? Would Gibs always be the guy in the Van? Yes, Gibs would remain in the van.
True Lies was directed, adapted and co-produced by James Cameron (Terminator 2). It remains One of His Best Films & Only True Action Comedy to date. The cast was led by Arnold Schwarzenegger & Jamie Lee Curtis. However, the biggest scene stealer was the late Bill Paxton as Simon the Car Salesman/Wannabe Spy. The rest of the ensemble included Tia Carrere, Eliza Dushku & Tom Arnold. It definitely stands up some 25 years later. McG is talks to do a Disney + live action series sometime in the near future.
The Star Wars Holiday Special aired only once in 1978. It centered around Chewbacca’s journey to make it back home for Life Day. Han Solo was also along for the ride. Would they make it to see Chewie’s family or get taken by the Empire?
This special was and still is considered so bad that Lucasfilms & Disney refuse to claim it. Viewers have tried to search for it on Disney + and turn up goose eggs. However, it’s not as bad as people have made it out to be. It featured appearances by Art Carney, Bea Arthur & Harvey Korman. The best aspect of the special was the Nelvana Limited cartoon introducing Boba Fett. He was first scene briefly in A New Hope but would have a larger role in The Empire Strikes Back.
It speaks volumes that George Lucas wasn’t credited/involved and it looked as if much of the budget might’ve been spent on recreational drugs. Also, regular CBS viewers were probably pissed that Wonder Woman & The Incredible Hulk were preempted for this one-shot.
Personally, it was enjoyable and less painful than a root canal. In other words, Happy Life Day & May The Force Be With You!
An odd inventor stumbled into an antiquities shop in Chinatown. He paid $200 & left with a Mogwai. However, three rules came with ownership. They went as follows: Don’t Let It Get Wet, Don’t Expose It To Direct Sunlight & Don’t Feed It After Midnight. The creature was a Christmas gift for his son. They named him Gizmo. What happened if he got wet or ate after midnight?
Gremlins was directed by Joe Dante (The Howling), written by Chris Columbus (The Goonies) & executive produced by Steven Spielberg. The film worked as a dark, sci-fi/horror comedy and morality play. It showcased man’s desire to change nature. This theme would later be explored in Jurassic Park (based on Michael Crichton’s novel and directed by Steven Spielberg). In 2014, Jurassic World would take place during Christmas as well. Yet, it didn’t play up the holiday vibes the same way. 35 Years Later, we still love Gremlins & Mogwais almost as much as T-Rexs and Velociraptors.
When in doubt, don’t feed your pets after midnight. Unless, you live in Las Vegas or Tokyo. It’s difficult to find clocks there.
Hi, I’m Jack but not really sure if that’s me. I worked in a cube farm and the Ikea catalog was my true love. I’ve been an unhappy insomniac for years until my doctor told me about a support group. It was Men Standing Together and all the guys had survived testicular cancer. I didn’t know it then but Bob or Robert Paulson would change me. He held me and finally got to let go through tears. I can hear some of you saying, “Pansy, Sissy or some other horrible things.” Finally, sleep was a regular part of me again. Until, Marla Sanger showed up to this group and all the others. What A Bitch! Wait, who’s this guy? Tyler Durden? He’s got a different view of the world but not sure what. Would he change my life? Would Marla ever stop being such a blowhard? Who would cry with Robert?
Fight Club was directed by David Fincher & adapted by Jim Uhls (from Chuck Pahluniuk’s novel). Brad Pitt was paired with Fincher again (Se7en was their first collaboration together). He had the perfect swagger & right silver tongued dialogue as Tyler Durden. Edward Norton played the narrator or Jack with a sly, timid perfection. Helena Bonham Carter owned Marla’s rancid, parasitic demeanor. The cast included rocker Meat Loaf as Bob and future rocker Jared Leto as Angel Face.
This is the 20th anniversary of this landmark film. The film was a failure at the box office but gained following among critics and open minded individuals. It unknowingly predicted the materialistic and parasitic rise of corporations & technology into our lives. Also, it spoke to a new generation longing for a change. The film’s ending would become more haunting and somewhat discussed after Sept. 11, 2001. On another note, people quote different lines and mantras many years after it’s premiere.
Zombieland: Double Tap picks up many years after the first film. Tallahassee, Columbus, Little Rock and Columbus are still a dysfunctional, nuclear family. They make The Bundys look like The Cleavers. It’s getting harder to find decent accommodations but resources are still scattered. However, the zombies are beginning to evolve in speed, intelligence and stupidity. Yes, it’s no different than our American society now. Yet, our favorite post-apocalyptic clan hits a snag when Little Rock finds a love in Berkeley (no, not the city but a guy). Would our ragtag misfits stay together, grow apart or become zombie chow.
Double Tap works thanks to the returning leads: Woody Harrelson, Emma Stone, Jesse Eisenberg and Abigail Breslin. Harrelson eats the scenery and even sings a bit. It’s packed with many surprises, laughs and heart just like the original. Oh, don’t leave during the closing credits. It’s One of 2019’s Best Comedies, Best Films and Best Sci-Fi Films.
So, pack your rations, munitions and pack to see this film. Looking forward to a second screening of this one again.
Ed Wood still speaks volumes to struggling actors, writers & directors 25 years later. Tim Burton masterfully captured the angora clad genius of “The Worst Director of All Time”. The film worked because of the great ensemble including Sarah Jessica Parker, Patricia Arquette, Bill Murray & Vincent D’Onofrio.
However, the rapport between Ed Wood (played by Johnny Depp) and Bela Lugosi (portrayed by the late Martin Landau) elevated the story to new heights. Landau won the 1995 Oscar for Best Supporting Actor for his portrayal of the Boris Karloff hating Lugosi. He wore the masterful makeup of Rick Baker (who captured a 1995 Oscar for this project).
It remains One of Burton’s Best & Most Underrated Films of his long career. However, this was the second film with Depp (previous was Edward Scissorhands) and would lead to other collaborations including Sweeney Todd and Alice in Wonderland. Yet, this is One of Johnny Depp’s Funniest and Most Enduring Roles.
So, get ready to be inspired and enjoy this piece of schlock. What did you expect Karloff to steal Lugosi’s thunder? Never!!!
Oh, Hello! Deadpool here. Two years can make such a difference. Timberlake went from bringing Sexy Back to being a sexless dad. Bill Cosby went from beloved television dad to Uhh? Yes, I’m not even touching that with a 39.5′ pole.
On a brighter note, I’m still banging Brody’s estranged wife and loving all forty-three seconds of it each time. She’s the one thing that keeps me going strong. It tops blood lust, gun play, Pokemon Go, skee ball, pegging, musicals and matching sweaters. No, Vanessa is really the best thing that’s every happened to me. Well, there’s her, Bernadette Peters and Yentl? Oy, Vey! Someone must be putting estrogen in those Jack and Cokes again. Son of a Bitch!
Wait, Who’s that guy with a glowing eye and metal arm? No, it’s not Stefon at a Robocop/Terminator gang bang again. He’s Cable. Boy, Directv must’ve really fucked him over. Wait, what did that Fireball kid do? He’s not the one who invented that cinnamon liquor. Oh, I forgot that used to be Blind Al’s stripper/escort name back in the early 20th Century.
Would I cut Cable? What’s Vanessa really want? Will Blind Al every see or just smell my farts instead? Is this kid an adolescent berserker or just in need of a hug and Slim Jims?
Deadpool 2 continued the atypical story of Marvel’s least favorite X-Man. Yes, it’s very degrading and sexist but that’s enough about Harvey Weinstein. We came (well, not in this theater) to see Ryan Reynolds return as Deadpool. He produced and co-wrote the second installment as well. Josh Brolin took a break from collecting stones and provided a straight-edged comic alternative to Reynolds. He laughed at himself and his stepmom throughout the film.
The soundtrack must have been from Mike Pence’s redacted Apple/Spotify playlist. It included such artists as Dolly Parton, Barbra Streisand, A-Ha and Celine Dion. Viewers might be seeing this as some strange drag show for years to come. Well, Elton should’ve been included but they were “All Out Of Love” and wanting to “Turn Back Time”.
The film provided some of the bawdiest, bluest humor and blood splatter in many years. It had some of the best twists, surprise cameos and WTF moments of 2018. This is One of 2018’s Best Comedies and Best Films. Don’t be shocked, the breathes will return from gasping with laughter and other second guessing about bathroom sushi. Yikes, Wade’s still writing this apparently.
Thud! Thanks, Colossus. Well, I’ve got to feed Second Place Oscar here. Grab your X-Force and fly that Blackbird to a theater nearby for this one.
An Oriental man in a Middle Eastern bazaar asked Frank Cotton, “What is your pleasure?” He said, “The box.” Then, he paid the man and exited the shop. After the trip, he returned home and began to act stranger than usual. He started to worship this antiquity and pushed the center of the puzzle box. Then, it opened into a realm of infinite horror. However, the pleasure cost him dearly. The price was his soul but part of him remained in the world of the living.
Larry returned to the residence with Julia, his wife. It was where his mother resided for decades prior to her death. The abandoned house had Frank’s clothes, mattress and oddities. Yet, he ghosted (as usual) in the mind of his brother. The happy couple decided to clean up the mess and make a happy family. Unbeknownst to him, she was hiding a deep, dark secret. Her true love was his brother and not him. She shared the type of carnal lust with him that resided in tent revivals and trashy romance novels.
Kirsty was given an opportunity to live there after the restoration by her father and stepmother. She decided to get her flat. This would benefit her in more ways than she would ever comprehend.
Larry decided to continue work but something aroused Julia’s mind upstairs. She decided to look in an unoccupied room. Then, a soothing voice greeted her but the body was a talking skeleton. It was her secret lover, Frank?
What happened to him? Where had he journeyed to? Could she have a second chance? Who were the people that he had fled from?
One thing was obvious. No matter the reason, there would be HELL to pay.
Hellraiser was written and directed by Clive Barker. He gave a glimpse into the twisted things that we’ll do for love. The film provided a claustrophobic feel with equal parts Psycho and H.P. Lovecraft’s “The Dreams in the Witch House”. Julia and Frank were equal parts Norman Bates and his dear old mother. Ashley Laurence (in her film debut) was beautiful and brave as Kirsty. She provided an unlikely nemesis to Clare Higgin’s Julia and Shawn Chapman’s/Oliver Smith’s Frank. Yes, two actors played Frank. Chapman was prior to the dark side but Smith was after escaping that realm.
Yet, the film’s unlikely breakout role was the Lead Cenobite. No, he wasn’t referred to as Pinhead. However, Doug Bradley would be duly noted as a new face of horror. His supporting role was diabolically understated, sadistic and sexual simultaneously.
Hellraiser is still a must see for fans of Clive Barker, horror and H.P. Lovecraft. It cemented his status as a visionary of horror. Stephen King said, “I have seen the future of horror. And his name is Clive Barker.”
In April 2014, I had the privilege of Kickstarter funding the H.P. Lovecraft Film Festival and Cthulhu-Con with 313 other individuals. The highlight of the festival was a Saturday afternoon screening of this film. It was followed by a Q&A with Doug Bradley. He revealed that originally Julia was supposed to only bed Englishmen but Clive had her seduce all men. Also, he shared the difference between his walk with and without costume. Of Bob and Harvey Weinstein, he said “That is a lot of assage.”
Prior to the Q&A, an audience member shouted “Jesus!” when the statue fell out of the Chifferobe during the climatic finale. We all laughed through one of the biggest scares of the film. This was the first celebrity Q&A that I was fortunate enough to attend. Viewers should seek out this film festival each October for great independent horror along with cult classics.
Elisa was a mute and lived a quiet life in early 1960’s Baltimore. Giles was her gay neighbor. They enjoyed classic films, pie and talking through sign language. He was a starving artist and looking to breakthrough in advertising. She worked in a government facility as a janitor. Zelda, a black co-worker, was her other friend. She interrupted for her during shifts. They enjoyed the overnight shift in relative peace except for one beast. Richard Strickland was their boss and a scumbag. Yet, he would bring a thing that would change Elisa’s life. It was an Amphibian Man and he was odd just like her.
What would Strickland do with the creature from the Amazon? Was it able to communicate? What was the askew attraction between Elisa and the Amphibian?
The Shape of Water was directed and co-written by Guillermo Del Toro. Sally Hawkins was brilliant and sexy as Elisa. She managed to carve out a performance through body language and the grace of a ballerina. Richard Jenkins was comforting and understanding as Giles. He’s a man that we’ve all confided in at some point. He made life and culture an outlet for the two of them. Octavia Spencer was fiery and fierce as Zelda. She had the qualities of a strong woman that we see daily. She doesn’t take anyone’s mess and would speak up against the odds. Michael Shannon’s portrayal of Richard Strickland was wicked and tortured. Strickland made Christian Grey and Don Draper look like domesticated tabby cats. Doug Jones (Del Toro’s regular creature actor) was great as the Amphibian and somehow managed to capture our hearts.
Del Toro has used the Cold War perfectly to address bigotry, sexual harassment, racism and homophobia. Elisa and Zelda along with their female co-workers were subjected to the crass, sexist behavior of Mr. Strickland. Yet, this was several decades before Me Too and a few years prior to the Women’s Liberation movement. Giles, Elisa’s gay friend, wasn’t immune either. He had a career but something unspoken (if viewers read into the brilliant subtext) did or didn’t occur with a former co-worker. Also, he had to hide his love or affections for other men. The restaurant scene captured his plight and that of other minorities as well.
The Shape of Water is The Best Film of 2017. It’s a haunting fairy tale with heroes and villains. The technicolor landscape was mesmerizing. The story was timeless and timely. He has managed to illustrate our humanity and true need for connection. Love and acceptance are universal. Remember that.
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