Hello, I’m Simon. I enjoy danger, fast cars and the ladies. My motto is “Fear Is Not An Option.” However, my world changed when Helen Tasker was in a D.C. Chinese restaurant. Behind those librarian classes, I knew that there was more than meets the eye. She held an important suitcase that contained secrets or so I told her. Easy there, killer?
Who the hell are you? I’m Gibs but it doesn’t matter. You’ve messed with the wrong housewife. He’ll take Corvette but that’s the least of your worries.
Would Simon live to Lie Another Day? Would Helen find who has a License to Kill? Would Gibs always be the guy in the Van? Yes, Gibs would remain in the van.
True Lies was directed, adapted and co-produced by James Cameron (Terminator 2). It remains One of His Best Films & Only True Action Comedy to date. The cast was led by Arnold Schwarzenegger & Jamie Lee Curtis. However, the biggest scene stealer was the late Bill Paxton as Simon the Car Salesman/Wannabe Spy. The rest of the ensemble included Tia Carrere, Eliza Dushku & Tom Arnold. It definitely stands up some 25 years later. McG is talks to do a Disney + live action series sometime in the near future.
The Star Wars Holiday Special aired only once in 1978. It centered around Chewbacca’s journey to make it back home for Life Day. Han Solo was also along for the ride. Would they make it to see Chewie’s family or get taken by the Empire?
This special was and still is considered so bad that Lucasfilms & Disney refuse to claim it. Viewers have tried to search for it on Disney + and turn up goose eggs. However, it’s not as bad as people have made it out to be. It featured appearances by Art Carney, Bea Arthur & Harvey Korman. The best aspect of the special was the Nelvana Limited cartoon introducing Boba Fett. He was first scene briefly in A New Hope but would have a larger role in The Empire Strikes Back.
It speaks volumes that George Lucas wasn’t credited/involved and it looked as if much of the budget might’ve been spent on recreational drugs. Also, regular CBS viewers were probably pissed that Wonder Woman & The Incredible Hulk were preempted for this one-shot.
Personally, it was enjoyable and less painful than a root canal. In other words, Happy Life Day & May The Force Be With You!
An odd inventor stumbled into an antiquities shop in Chinatown. He paid $200 & left with a Mogwai. However, three rules came with ownership. They went as follows: Don’t Let It Get Wet, Don’t Expose It To Direct Sunlight & Don’t Feed It After Midnight. The creature was a Christmas gift for his son. They named him Gizmo. What happened if he got wet or ate after midnight?
Gremlins was directed by Joe Dante (The Howling), written by Chris Columbus (The Goonies) & executive produced by Steven Spielberg. The film worked as a dark, sci-fi/horror comedy and morality play. It showcased man’s desire to change nature. This theme would later be explored in Jurassic Park (based on Michael Crichton’s novel and directed by Steven Spielberg). In 2014, Jurassic World would take place during Christmas as well. Yet, it didn’t play up the holiday vibes the same way. 35 Years Later, we still love Gremlins & Mogwais almost as much as T-Rexs and Velociraptors.
When in doubt, don’t feed your pets after midnight. Unless, you live in Las Vegas or Tokyo. It’s difficult to find clocks there.
Zombieland: Double Tap picks up many years after the first film. Tallahassee, Columbus, Little Rock and Columbus are still a dysfunctional, nuclear family. They make The Bundys look like The Cleavers. It’s getting harder to find decent accommodations but resources are still scattered. However, the zombies are beginning to evolve in speed, intelligence and stupidity. Yes, it’s no different than our American society now. Yet, our favorite post-apocalyptic clan hits a snag when Little Rock finds a love in Berkeley (no, not the city but a guy). Would our ragtag misfits stay together, grow apart or become zombie chow.
Double Tap works thanks to the returning leads: Woody Harrelson, Emma Stone, Jesse Eisenberg and Abigail Breslin. Harrelson eats the scenery and even sings a bit. It’s packed with many surprises, laughs and heart just like the original. Oh, don’t leave during the closing credits. It’s One of 2019’s Best Comedies, Best Films and Best Sci-Fi Films.
So, pack your rations, munitions and pack to see this film. Looking forward to a second screening of this one again.
Ed Wood still speaks volumes to struggling actors, writers & directors 25 years later. Tim Burton masterfully captured the angora clad genius of “The Worst Director of All Time”. The film worked because of the great ensemble including Sarah Jessica Parker, Patricia Arquette, Bill Murray & Vincent D’Onofrio.
However, the rapport between Ed Wood (played by Johnny Depp) and Bela Lugosi (portrayed by the late Martin Landau) elevated the story to new heights. Landau won the 1995 Oscar for Best Supporting Actor for his portrayal of the Boris Karloff hating Lugosi. He wore the masterful makeup of Rick Baker (who captured a 1995 Oscar for this project).
It remains One of Burton’s Best & Most Underrated Films of his long career. However, this was the second film with Depp (previous was Edward Scissorhands) and would lead to other collaborations including Sweeney Todd and Alice in Wonderland. Yet, this is One of Johnny Depp’s Funniest and Most Enduring Roles.
So, get ready to be inspired and enjoy this piece of schlock. What did you expect Karloff to steal Lugosi’s thunder? Never!!!
Oh, Hello! Deadpool here. Two years can make such a difference. Timberlake went from bringing Sexy Back to being a sexless dad. Bill Cosby went from beloved television dad to Uhh? Yes, I’m not even touching that with a 39.5′ pole.
On a brighter note, I’m still banging Brody’s estranged wife and loving all forty-three seconds of it each time. She’s the one thing that keeps me going strong. It tops blood lust, gun play, Pokemon Go, skee ball, pegging, musicals and matching sweaters. No, Vanessa is really the best thing that’s every happened to me. Well, there’s her, Bernadette Peters and Yentl? Oy, Vey! Someone must be putting estrogen in those Jack and Cokes again. Son of a Bitch!
Wait, Who’s that guy with a glowing eye and metal arm? No, it’s not Stefon at a Robocop/Terminator gang bang again. He’s Cable. Boy, Directv must’ve really fucked him over. Wait, what did that Fireball kid do? He’s not the one who invented that cinnamon liquor. Oh, I forgot that used to be Blind Al’s stripper/escort name back in the early 20th Century.
Would I cut Cable? What’s Vanessa really want? Will Blind Al every see or just smell my farts instead? Is this kid an adolescent berserker or just in need of a hug and Slim Jims?
Deadpool 2 continued the atypical story of Marvel’s least favorite X-Man. Yes, it’s very degrading and sexist but that’s enough about Harvey Weinstein. We came (well, not in this theater) to see Ryan Reynolds return as Deadpool. He produced and co-wrote the second installment as well. Josh Brolin took a break from collecting stones and provided a straight-edged comic alternative to Reynolds. He laughed at himself and his stepmom throughout the film.
The soundtrack must have been from Mike Pence’s redacted Apple/Spotify playlist. It included such artists as Dolly Parton, Barbra Streisand, A-Ha and Celine Dion. Viewers might be seeing this as some strange drag show for years to come. Well, Elton should’ve been included but they were “All Out Of Love” and wanting to “Turn Back Time”.
The film provided some of the bawdiest, bluest humor and blood splatter in many years. It had some of the best twists, surprise cameos and WTF moments of 2018. This is One of 2018’s Best Comedies and Best Films. Don’t be shocked, the breathes will return from gasping with laughter and other second guessing about bathroom sushi. Yikes, Wade’s still writing this apparently.
Thud! Thanks, Colossus. Well, I’ve got to feed Second Place Oscar here. Grab your X-Force and fly that Blackbird to a theater nearby for this one.
Seymour Krelborn resided in Skid Row and worked at Mushnik’s. The flower shop was on thin ice. Yet, a mysterious plant from Chang’s was purchased by him. It was appeared unexpectedly during a total eclipse of the sun. Then, he showed it to Mr. Mushnik and it became window dressing. Business became red hot but the plant needed a name. Audrey was Seymour’s crush. Thus, the plant was dubbed Audrey II.
Audrey II defied logic and any horticultural text that Seymour encountered. What was she really? What would make this plant thrive? What did Audrey see in Orin Scrivello, D.D.S?
Little Shop of Horrors was directed by Frank Oz (yes, Yoda and Miss Piggy’s alter ego). The film was based on the Off Broadway musical written by Howard Ashman (book and lyrics) and Alan Menken (music). The cult classic (Off Broadway) was based on Roger Corman’s 1960 film that starred Jack Nicholson.
Rick Moranis (yes from SCTV) relished in the role of Seymour and showed that he was more than Bob Mckenzie. He was given a great advisory in Steve Martin. Martin ate the scenery as Orin Scrivello, a sadomasochistic dentist. They both yearned for the lovely Ellen Greene. She played the naive Audrey to a key and had the signature ballad of “Somewhere That’s Green”.
However, the real star of the film was the late Levi Stubbs as Audrey II. He belted out the Oscar-nominated “Mean Green Mother from Outer Space” and other songs including “Suppertime” & “Feed Me (Get It)”.
The film was the perfect marriage of camp, horror and musical gold. Menken and Ashman would receive their first Oscar nomination for “Mean Green Mother from Outer Space”. They lost to “Take My Breath Away” from Top Gun. Audrey II should’ve ate that flight instructor and Maverick just so Goose could live. Yet, Menken and Ashman would gain Oscar gold for Disney’s “The Little Mermaid” and “Beauty and the Beast”.
This film marked an atypical collaboration between SCTV (Second City TV) and Saturday Night Live. The hilarious players from both comedy troupes included Bill Murray, John Candy and Christopher Guest.
However, the most strangest aspect of this film was the ending. Frank Oz spent $8 million of the $25 million budget for “Don’t Feed The Plants”. The musical number was a sad ending that test audiences hated. Viewers wanted the Hollywood ending. Yet, film fans got their wish when a Director’s Cut was released in 2013.
On August 21, 2017, the United States experienced its first total eclipse in 99 years. The path of totality was 70 miles wide and stretched from the Pacific to the Atlantic Coast. It was a phenomena like no other this century in America. For the love of all humanity, let’s hope that no plants were purchased on this day.
Yeah, we saved the freaking galaxy from those A-Holes Ronan and Thanos. All we got was a new Milano spaceship and told to be good. Are we being good? Hell, No!
Did I mention that I’m a dad? Well, I’m a surrogate, humanoid father. Yep, Groot is more than a twig now. He’s a little tree with limbs. Hey, Don’t Blame Me if that jokes lame; Drax wrote it! Star Lord is still smitten over Gamora. He’ll learn eventually that she’s green with envy but not for Terran.
We saved The Sovereign from some space monster ala Howard The Duck. Did they give us some space batteries? Mmm, ALL RIGHHT! Well, Drax made me do it. Uh, Oh! Getting chased through space and we crashed the Milano on an isolated planet.
Wait, a spaceship landed adjacent to ours. A bearded man and a bug lady stepped out. They offered us temporary quarters on Ego. He has a beard and his own planet?
Stay here. What the eff for? I’ve got to fix the ship, watch Groot and guard Nebula? No, we didn’t get credits for taking out Howard’s monster. We got Thanos’ cybernetic daughter and Gamora’s worst enemy.
What’s up with Ego? Is Nebula gonna become a hero? Where’s Yondu? How come Ego looks like Star Lord? Can Rocket Raccoon get to blow some s**t up?
Well, you bet your sweet ass that I will. The rest will be revealed soon.
Guardians of The Galaxy Vol. 2 was written and directed by James Gunn. He managed to increase the humor, action and heart of Vol. 1. Dave Bautista’s Drax has the honor of out humoring Chris Pratt’s Star Lord and Bradley Cooper’s Rocket Raccoon. Zoe Saldana’s Gamora went toe to toe with Karen Gillan’s Nebula as an even fight card. Yet, Kurt Russell was masterfully funny and seductive as Ego.
Vol. 2 is one of 2017’s Best Comedies and Ten Best Films Overall. It has some of the year’s most unexpected plot twists and communal moments in cinema as well.
No spoilers here. Well, hausdex will give viewers the two following comedic highlights: Groot dances and Stan Lee talking with alien overlords.
The Awesome Mix Vol. 2 included “Southern Nights”, “Mr. Blue Sky” and “Fox on the Run”. Gunn broke tradition by adding and co-writing a new track called “Guardians Inferno” during the end credits.
Fuel up the Milano, bring extra spacesuits, batteries for the Walkman and see this film before it leaves your galaxy.
Michele Leblanc had a great day until she saw her cat outside. She opened the door to get it and got raped. However, no phone call was made to the police station and a warm bath eased the discomfort. She was back to work at her video game company without missing a step. Yet, the thoughts raced through her mind about the attacker.
Meanwhile, she was dealing with Irene, her aging mother, and Ralf, the gigolo. Irene was informing her of Michele’s father being parole eligible. Again, she didn’t care. Now, Vincent, her son, was coming to ask for rent and inform her of his pregnant girlfriend.
All she wanted was resolution and sex? How could she think about sex after such a violent attack? The answer was Patrick. He was married, young, and great looking. It fit what she needed. Hell, one of out of three’s not bad but three out of three? She might have to pursue him.
Would Elle find her attacker? Would Vincent be responsible and take care of his expectant girlfriend? Would her father be paroled? Who In The Hell Thinks About Sex After Being Raped?!
Elle was masterfully directed by Paul Verhoeven. He excelled with this erotic thriller based on Phillippe Dijan’s novel. The film was erotic, disturbing, and wrought with dark humor. Isabelle Huppert found darkness and light in a character that eclipsed Sharon Stone’s Catherine Tramell. Elle makes her look timid in comparison. She shown the feminine mystique a new glance while viewers questioned her intentions.
American viewers may or may not realize that Verhoeven as more than an action director. Yet, the erotic thriller and suspense were his bread and butter years before Robocop and Total Recall. This was foreign celluloid since Black Book. The film was beautifully accented by Anne Dudley’s score. She composed the film in such a way that Jerry Goldsmith would’ve been proud.
Huppert has been nominated for a 2017 Best Actress Oscar for this role. It was well deserved for a layered performance.
Viewers will be left guessing until the final moments. Then, they will question certain events that proceeded the present as well.
Verhoeven has given his fan base what they wanted: An erotic thriller with more turns than a mountain road.
Catherine Tramell had a great run while it lasted. Looks like you’ll be charged with smoking and be appointed into the custody of Elle.
Nadine was smart, witty, and…awkward. Damian, her younger brother, has muscles, looks, and friends. She envied and hated him in the same breath. However, her father loved and understood her above everyone else. Then, her world tumbled down with his death.
Several years later, the family (including his widow) struggled with this loss individually. Damian focused on sports and being a social butterfly. Mona, Nadine’s mom, had varying friends with benefits and battled with her daughter constantly. Throughout, she has had another rock and her name was Krista. She met Nadine in kindergarten and they’ve been inseparable every since. Yet, this would change with one night of drinking around Damian.
Would Nadine ever become popular? Would Krista ever wise up? Will Mona ever realize the true pain that her daughter suffers?
The Edge of Seventeen was written and directed by Kelly Fremon Craig. Craig captured perfectly the awkwardness of puberty and adulthood in one film. Hailee Steinfeld was beautiful as an old soul in capturing Nadine’s essence. Kyra Sedgwick was brutal yet loving as Mona. However, Woody Harrelson’s Mr. Bruner gave audiences some of the best verbal sparring in 2016. He provided the much needed reality check for this teenager loner.
Craig has created something that no viewer would’ve ever conceived. The film would’ve been a great project for Robert Altman and Nora Ephron to create. Viewers can see the realism that Altman was known for and Ephron’s yearn to capture the female psychique. They each wrote and directed films about women of all ages. Yet, Altman and Ephron never conceived a teenage coming of age film.
Kelly Fremon Craig has done that. She has found the right balance of bring baby boomers, generation X, generation Y, & millennials together without missing a beat. She has packed heart, humor, and sadness into one ball of teenage angst. They (Robert & Nora) are smiling down upon this brilliant piece of celluloid. It along with Moonlight & Arrival capture the essence of 2016 on film.
The Edge of Seventeen is my choice for Best Film of 2016. We realize that being awkward never complete ends beyond puberty. Yet, this film shows us that there is hope in embracing what makes us real.
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